“I~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I. Don’t want a lot for Christmas.” *struggles to change the radio dial amid gridlocked holiday traffic* “There’s just one thing I need” *hurry up with my damn latte! I think I’m going to die. Why the hell is Starbucks playing Christmas music mid-October?* “I don’t care about the presents” *internal Elaine monologue ‘I think I’m going to die in this department store. Ma’am, why must you spray the perfume so close to my face. I can’t breath! What the earth begins to shake and we’re stuck in here forever underneath mannequins and holiday shoppers and that damn Mariah Carey song stuck on repeat?’* “Underneath the Christmas tree” “No” *raising a strict finger to students who should be studying in the back* “Not before Thanksgiving.” “I just want you for my own/ More than you could ever know.” Every year Christmas music get earlier and earlier. “Make my dreams come true.” Corporate America wants to put us in credit card debt. “All I want for Christmas” Call me Scrooge, but I’d like to go back to childhood when Christmases were magical. “Is” If only we could go back in time to say, 199~ “You~~~~~~~~~” That’s it! 1992! before this song ruled the world.
ALL THE LIGHTS ARE SHINING EVERYWHERE. Last Christmas, Stephen Christian recorded his daughter’s favorite Christmas song, releasing it as an Anchor & Braille song. All of those emotions listed above are my feelings about Mariah Carey’s 1994 hit, “21st Century ‘White Christmas.’” Overplayed, overrated, but more contagious than the Omicron variant and extremely meme-able. We can wear our earplugs into stores, we can blast the latest Taylor Swift or Adele albums in our noise-cancelling AirPods Pro, but the infection rate is close to 100% that you will have this song stuck in your head at some point during the holiday season. I was stricken by the bug today when I turned on A Very Tooth & Nail Christmas on Apple Music. Try as I might, Mae’s “Carol of the Bells” or Copeland’s “Do You Hear What I Hear?” and not even Anberlin’s “Baby Please Come Home” stuck in my head as I stepped out for lunch this afternoon. It’s the Christmas season, so I wondered how this song would fit into my playlist this year? I wondered how Christmas music would fit in or if it would, this year. I thought about how un-Christmasy this year feels. And then it struck. The ear-virus didn’t come in the form of Michael Buble, Ariana Grande, or Justin Bieber (thank God!). It didn’t come in the hilarious mashup of the isolated vocals of Radiohead’s “Creep” surrounded by the festive sleigh-bells and outrageous piano and back-up singers of “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” It wasn’t the pretty-good-but-not-great House of Heroes cover. It didn’t come by seeing a meme about the song. Instead it came from one of my favorite singers doing a slowed-down rendition, taking the energy of Carey down to be a Christmas song for the exhausted rest of us.
Anchor & Braille version: