WHEN I DANCE ALONE AND THE SUN’S BLEEDING DOWN. Yesterday was one of those days. First a notification from work, then a canceled plan, then a train delayed for an hour and a half, some heavy bags, a closed restaurant, a crappy egg salad sandwich at Starbucks—nothing was going my way. I’m usually a pretty go-with-the-flow person, but some situations seem to test my patience, like an invisible hand is tickling at my sanity. I sat in Starbucks fuming. I thought this is what privilege feels like. All the things that I was annoyed about seemed trivial in the greater scheme of the world. Me getting home an hour and a half earlier didn’t matter in the greater scheme of my life or in the universe. The dishes and laundry could wait until the next day. There were so many things that could be worse. I could be without a job, tossed from a company without a golden parachute. The end of the student loan moratorium could be this month. I could have a rare disease like viral hemorrhagic fever. Thinking about all the hard times that have befallen on my friends and family this year and how things have not necessarily been bad but just annoying for made me feel quite selfish. But this morning, having to go in early and working hard while a coworker took on none of the workload made me feel resentful. It’s not great, but before going into work, I decided to have a “Fucksgiving.” I certainly have a lot to be grateful for, but I realized that my gratitude list had shrunk, so I decided to say my “Fuck yous” out loud. I started with the most delicious ones: the people who gave me the most grief, but I moved on to friends and family. I said “Fuck you” to everyone who had been giving me stress and a sorry to them if I still liked that person and I didn’t think that their situation was their fault. Of course there were no messages sent. But saying it out loud relieved stress that had been building up. And after saying my “fucks,” I stopped thinking about myself and about how those friends, family members, and even my partner were all just victims of other people or situations fucking them up. It’s not always possible, nor is it their job to stop the fucked up situations from hitting me. So I went to work calmer than I was and waded through fuck ups with my head just a little less fucked up by the inconveniences and realized that they weren’t targeting me. I apologize for the gratuitous language. But it was so cathartic.
lyric video:
Mixtapemotions 